His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
