i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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