Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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