You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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