How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize