I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
