i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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