My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
