Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
COCAINE IS GR8
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize