I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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