remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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