i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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