I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
