need another drink. this is the easiest way
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
