the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
