we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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