Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Michael Bay diarrhea
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
