i think my tv is drunk
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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