Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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