Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Your penis caused this!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
