I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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