I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
