just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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