I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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