Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
