i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize