i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
