I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize