Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
