I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
