Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize