come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
