Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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