He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize