her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Shame is for Republicans.
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