Swine flu. Run for my life!
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
