i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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