my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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