my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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