Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
