Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
