Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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