His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
