She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize