why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
