Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
