Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
