i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
