She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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