just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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