i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
