is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
