you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
