Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
