She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
