i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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