This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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