I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
