Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
you told grandpa to call you daddy
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
