Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
