***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
