Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
