I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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