she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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