Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
