my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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