I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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