So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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