I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
