I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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