I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize