She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i believe in u and ur pee
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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